What does biblical discipline look like in a parent-child context? If spanking is a part of it, then when exactly? When are words enough?
Thankfully,
the Bible answers these questions for us.
Let’s
first settle the question about “the rod”—tbX in the
Hebrew language, which is transliterated to Shebet.
Each time we come across “rod” in the following verses, it is using this word,
which means exactly what we would think it means: a rod, shaft, or club. You
can do many things with the rod as we will see.
Understanding
“the rod” is a simple thing to do as the Bible does not merely allude to it
once or twice, but speaks in various places and in various ways as to the
necessity of using a rod when necessary.
One
of the first instances in Scripture where we see “the rod” being spoken of in a
disciplinary sense is actually back in 2 Samuel during the time of King David
when God was making His covenant with David, known simply as the Davidic
Covenant. While God tells David about all that He is going to do through
David’s lineage in a positive way, He also speaks to what He will do when
Israel sins. Pay close attention:
“When
your days are fulfilled and you [David] lie down with your fathers, I will
raise up your offspring after you, who shall come from your body, and I will
establish his kingdom. He shall build a house for my name, and I will establish
the throne of his kingdom forever. I will be to him a father, and he shall
be to me a son. When he commits iniquity, I will discipline him with the
rod of men, with the stripes of the sons of men, but my steadfast love will
not depart from him” (7:12–15), (emphasis mine).
Notice
first of all that parental discipline with a rod is assumed, revealed in how
God uses that as his prime example for inflicting pain on His children when they
commit iniquity. Psalm 89 reiterates this, saying, “I will punish their
transgression with the rod and their iniquity with stripes” (v. 32).
Significantly:
Who was the immediate king after David?—Solomon—the very man who wrote the
majority of the book of Proverbs, in which our wisdom of godly parenting and
discipline is found.
Later
on in the book of Isaiah, we see what exactly “the rod” was for Israel when
they sinned: “Ah, Assyria, the rod of my
anger; the staff in their hands is my fury! Against a godless nation I send him” (5–6), (emphasis mine).
The
warning for this kind of punishment went back even further than David—it went
back to Moses himself: “But if you will not obey the voice of the Lord your God
. . . The Lord will bring a nation against you from far away, from the end of
the earth, swooping down like the eagle, a nation whose language you do not
understand, a hard-faced nation who shall not respect the old or show mercy to
the young” (Deut 28:1, 49–50).
God’s
point to David was clear: I will be a father to them and I will discipline them
when they sin, but my steadfast love will not depart from them. A parent who
loves their children, disciplines in a way that at times will be painful—and oh
how fleeting is that momentary sting?—in order to teach them of the ultimate
reality that unchecked sin leads to eternal pain, even eternal death.
What
may be helpful for us is to remember that “the rod” was also something that
gently guided, as was often the case for shepherds. Their shepherd’s staff had
an open curve at the end that they could use for both physically manhandling
and gently guiding. We all know Psalm 23 where David said, “the LORD is my
shepherd . . . thy rod and thy staff they comfort me” (vss.1, 4).
Gentle
guidance notwithstanding, Proverbs 13:24 says, “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is
diligent to discipline him” (emphasis mine). The latter half could also be
translated as “he who loves him disciplines him early.” Indeed, a necessary
component.
Additionally,
Proverbs 22:15 says, “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of
discipline drives it far from him.”
Sometimes
people may be tempted to think that all of these verses pertaining to
disciplining with the rod are simply ways of expressing how parents, like
shepherds, used the rod of correction only to guide their children verbally, but not to correct, physically.
While the guiding aspect is a necessary part of parenting, it is not to the
exclusion of the actual “strike” that we call a spanking:
“Do
not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not
die. If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol” (Prov
23:13–14). The statement is clear. Even in 26:3 we see that there is “a whip
for the horse, a bridle for the donkey, and a rod for the back of fools.”
Isaiah
28:27 also refers to the use of a rod for a blow which is quite revealing:
“Dill is not threshed with a threshing sledge, nor is a cart wheel rolled over
cumin, but dill is beaten out with a stick, and cumin with a rod.” We can
clearly see what the use and intent of the rod was here.
That
Hebrew word for “strike” is hkn, which means to be stricken, or smitten; to give
a blow, or to beat. It is even used for clapping and applause. The sense is
clear—it is a physical action that involves a type of hit. The biblical parenting context demands the backside, which rules out uncalled-for abuse, or sporadic "hitting" as is so misconstrued today.
Thus, spanking is not a recent invention of unloving disciplinarians, rather it is a
specific tool meant to chasten our kids out of love so as to preserve them from
death—something that has been the case for thousands and thousands of years.
Keep
in mind that the entire book of Proverbs is essentially predicated on passing
true wisdom from one generation to the next. It is written to ensure that the
reader does not become a fool, but becomes wise, which will only happen where
there is a fear of the LORD: “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of
knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction” (1:7). Parenting is all about
raising little fools to be wise men and women of God. Folly is bound up in
their hearts, but the rod of discipline will drive it far away (22:15). Will we become the fools and despise
Proverb’s wisdom by calling spanking an option that we choose not to exercise?
“Whoever
trusts in his own mind is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered”
(28:26). Being that this wisdom is found in the fear of the Lord, what does it
reveal about us if we refuse to believe the wisdom that God has delivered here?
Let’s
end in Proverbs 29 as we address some final aspects of biblical discipline. It
is important to know that spanking in itself is not a magic pill. If you
improperly spank, i.e. act inconsistent with discipline, act angry and seek
revenge, etc., then you will probably be guilty of provoking your kids to anger
and you will not have taught them a thing.
In
29:15, we see a critical dually-operating system of discipline that cannot be
ignored. In fact, this corrects many false notions of effective parenting all
at the same time. Notice my emphasis:
“The
rod and
reproof give wisdom . . .”
“The
rod” refers to the spanking and “reproof” is a verbal reprimand, correction, or
admonition. You see, it is both of these things that, when used in a loving
way, seeks the positive edification of the child and will reap the fruit of
righteousness later in life.
The
second part of this verse cannot be overlooked either:
“.
. . but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.”
Where
the rod and the reproof are overlooked, rebellious behavior—fueled by the
internal sin-nature that we inherit from Adam—will have its way in the child.
We cannot simply laugh our way through temper tantrums and defiant behavior as
we play the victim that has the tougher lot in life with our kids. God gave us our specific kids to love, instruct, and
discipline, and we would be downplaying our responsibilities, indeed the very reason for our existence, if we
thought otherwise.
The
Apostle Paul, in his letter to the Ephesians, sums up parenting in a single
verse: “Do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the
discipline and instruction of the Lord” (6:4). To the Colossians he wrote: “Do
not provoke your children lest they become discouraged.”
Brow-beating,
abusive behavior, belittling, humiliation, annoyed anger, and the like are not
characteristics of godly people in general, let alone parents. It is
significant to remember that even in a culture that had family-owned slaves,
the Apostle reminded them that Christians were to be fair and just to them as
well (Col 4:1). Everyone was to be
treated graciously. There was never an allowance for abuse. Any type of
correction that is done to our children is to always be controlled, temporary,
and above all—loving.
In
His Sovereign Grip,
Ben
